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How I Manipulated 600 Pounds of Human Flesh

Losing weight was never a problem for me once I made up my mind. Making up my mind was the problem.

While my current diet, I tried to estimate the total number of pounds I had lost dieting. It must be close to 300 hundred pounds. Add another three hundred that I regained and you can readily see that over my dieting life, I have manipulated six hundred pounds of human flesh. Four medium sized men!

Although I have years of experience at dieting, I have spent most of my life twenty-five pounds overweight. I want to give you some rules that were given to me. I have followed these rules without much success. There greatest value is that you can eat very well while failing at your diet.

1. If I eat something and my wife doesn't see me eat it, it has no calories.

2. Things licked off of spoons and knives contain no calories. If you are fixing a peanut butter sandwich for a child, or ice cream when preparing a sundae.

3. Broken cookie pieces contain no calories. It has something to do with the breaking process which permits calorie leakage.

4. Entertainment foods are not fattening. Such as food you eat at the movie. They are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel such as Milk Duds, Buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.

5. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

6. Food used for medical purposes never counts. Foods like hot chocolate, toast, bourbon and Sara Lee Cheesecake.(Don't ask!)

7. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

It is absolutely remarkable the way my eating habits rule my life. I have my "skinny" clothes at one end of the closet, the "in-between" clothes at the other. The "fat" clothes spend most of their time in the middle.
The "skinny" pants seem to always have the pockets gaping open. That is from wearing them to far into the "fat" cycle and stretching them out of shape. Most of my "skinny" and "in-between" pants have those slides hooked to elastic and expand as I do. A size 42 fits all the way up to 46 before they begin to hurt. That allows me to slide into the fat cycle without having to buy larger clothes. Breaking down and buying larger clothes is so depressing.

It is also depressing watching TV without my usual Oreo cookies and milk ... also, my Rocky Road ice cream ... and my buttered popcorn ... my strawberry shortcake...my coca-cola crammed full of Red Skin Peanuts. (sigh)

Life's a bitch. You know?

 

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